@squirrel74wkgn

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

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@mammascorpio_r

How to make meals for toddlers:

Step 1. Choose any food.

Step 2. Throw it away.

@TheBoydP

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…

@donni

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

@tastefactory

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

@causticbob

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

@_steamy_mac

Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away

@jessforaminute

*Calls the DMV*

Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks

@ThisLocalHater

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

@PatsATweetin

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.