How to make meals for toddlers:
Step 1. Choose any food.
Step 2. Throw it away.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
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You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.
*Calls the DMV*
Hi yes I’ve lost ten pounds please send a new license with my updated weight thanks
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.