@blade_funner

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

You Might Also Like

@shesananteater

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

@Awk0Tacoo

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

@Lazer_Cat_

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

@batkaren

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@stephenjmolloy

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

@UncleDuke1969

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

@mrjohndarby

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this