My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
Me: I’m very perceptive.
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this