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@blade_funner: Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I've seen more than two.
@realbjdunne: me: i’m going to take a nap
guy who loves heist movies: *leans in* from who
@kivtur: Me [sneezes]: excuse me
Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
@LeviKabwato: Nephew drops my iPad, doesn't say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
@mommy_cusses: Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese
@BrattyBarbie: Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin...