@blade_funner

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

- @blade_funner

You Might Also Like

@eff_yeah_steph

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

@TheCatWhisprer

[at home on video conference call]

Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.

*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*

@envydatropic

There’s no quicker evacuation than alcohol telling your stomach the party is over

@iinkedZombie

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

@AmishPornStar1

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

@singing_ghosts

[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”

@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

@pittdave13

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…