Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
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Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.