Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I love the honesty
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?