I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
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[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
peep davidson
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.