Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
i did the math
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out