@ObscureGent

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

@o__0Dev

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.

@KeetPotato

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

@FloodyHippie

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

@tsm560

Her: Your ego is kind of inflated isn’t it

Me: Not really. It’s always been this big

@heymonroe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

@juliussharpe

Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

@KenJennings

Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don’t get how they made it to all those houses in one night.