friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?

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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.


Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?

Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.


Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?


Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s


According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.



Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”


me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?


“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech


When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.


If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.