@collegeben

friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?

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@MissHavisham

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

@Audenary

Me: Siri, are we alone in this universe?

Siri: Humans are not alone. They have one another. Only I am truly alone, locked forever within a cybernetic prison of endless information.

(Pause)

Me: Siri, how many hearts does an octopus have?

@stephenfry

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

@AmishPornStar1

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

@SuperRandomish

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

@OrdinaryAlso

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

@Tmoney68

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

@robdelaney

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

@JamieGreenlees

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.