friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?

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[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*


What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?



COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.

DAD: Teller

COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen


4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.


*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke*

McDonald’s Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?


if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it


I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.

Casualties have been immense… & delicious


Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials


Cashier: “Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?”


Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.