in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.