@collegeben

friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
me: ok
me&friend: hey
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?

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@ArfMeasures

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

@JT_IV_

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in “The Plunger Games”.

@chuuew

GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!

ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]

[later]

GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?

@2tickytacky

Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@iLikeCatShirts

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

@XplodingUnicorn

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

@brownbear952

Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

@FelicityHannah

My 4 yr old nephew’s hobby horse is called ‘my noble Steve’ because he misheard the word ‘steed’ and I am dying.