Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
friend: here he comes. dont set him off again.
JADEN SMITH: What If We Are the Hay, And The World Is Harvesting Us?
You Might Also Like
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.
COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen
4yo: You’re a good dad.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke*
McDonald’s Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.
Casualties have been immense… & delicious
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Cashier: “Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of shit?”
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.