friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

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Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything


*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*


“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.


I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”


There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.


moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse


This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.