friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
😏😏😏
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Not today. 😅
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.