@daemonic3

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

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@obijawn

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

@gianni_bcn

*Gets disqualified for biting opponent’s ear on a chess tournament*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@RodLacroix

I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”

@JohnHilsen

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

@roboticcrab

moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*

me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse

@msmollybee25

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.