Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
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[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.