Friend: Hey guess what?

Me: What?

Friend: No, guess!

Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.

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I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this


Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.


[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese


I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.


I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.


When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now


One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours.

About the same as a common Monday on Earth.


What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.