@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

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@MooseAllain

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

@distracted_monk

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

@dreamthievin

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

@dog_feelings

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

@joejwest

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

@ArfMeasures

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

@xofreckles

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?