If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
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Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Be the change you want to find in your couch.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?