Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
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Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Only Americans understand
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
much to think about
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people