Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
You Might Also Like
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
R.I.P.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name