Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”


That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.


“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”


hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected


About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.


Asian Keanu arrives at party.

Asian Keanu gets bored.

Asian Keanu Reeves.


[job interview]

me: I guess my biggest weakness are questions

Interviewer: what do you mean?

Me: oh no


[at the movies]

me: thank god it’s over

her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog