Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
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A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?