Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

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I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back… I’m using my face muscles for you, you little shit.


[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son


1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”


I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.


I’m pretty sure God and Satan are both women, because who else would hold a grudge for that long?


Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.



ME: My compliments to the chef.

WAITER: I’ll certainly..

ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.


Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir


I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.


How did you find me??
Cop: Your ransom note had pasted letters from a magazine. It was between you and like 4 other people on earth.