old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
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My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
You are what you delete.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”