Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
You Might Also Like
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.