Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Super Hand Dog Face
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.