FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN