Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.