Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?


“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad


ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon


Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.


I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.

I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.


Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!


Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.


Sam Smith: ooh baby baby I’m dancing with a stranger

CDC: desist please



Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.