Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.
I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Sam Smith: ooh baby baby I’m dancing with a stranger
CDC: desist please
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.