@sixfootcandy

Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.

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@KentTheG

I dated a meteorologist once just so I could be with a woman who wasn’t right all the time.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.

@shesok2

Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.

@Cheeseboy22

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

@CakeThrottle

I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there

@Dirty_Naomi

I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?

@badAzz_mom

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me: