I dated a meteorologist once just so I could be with a woman who wasn’t right all the time.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
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The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.
Girls that try to flirt with guys on Twitter are pathetic.
Guys, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I keep getting bills from the Memory Erasing Clinic but I’ve never been there
*breathing* this should burn my whole face off
It’s here! May The Fourth Be With You!!
I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.
Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.