@JohnnyCrash5

Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.

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@KevinFarzad

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

@iGreenMonk

“Just be yourself” is great advice to maybe 12% of people.

@charliedelta7

An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face

@FattMernandez

You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!

@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@timdonakowski

I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.

@sammyrhodes

I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.