[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
You Might Also Like
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.