Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.

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I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you


“Just be yourself” is great advice to maybe 12% of people.


An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face


You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!


I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules


I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.


I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.