Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.
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“Just be yourself” is great advice to maybe 12% of people.
An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.
I like my Facebook messages like my Fast & Furious movies: unseen.