@LittleMissAngr1

Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.

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@Brianhopecomedy

Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.

@Abusitron

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

@sofarrsogud

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

@pilau

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

@dreamsinchocola

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

@justokpanda

[screaming and mass hysteria]

Party host: WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!

Me: I thought you said BYO bees

Guy holding a jar of pee: I also misheard

@gobmentcheese

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

@InternetHippo

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

@ShanaRose21

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys