@LittleMissAngr1

Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.

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@sixfootcandy

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

@shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@PanicRestroom

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

@RandomManik

Taco Bell is planning on doubling the ‘meat’ in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they’re informing us in advance.

@batsly

I hate when I walk in on another guy in a bathroom stall and, since we’re both on our phones, neither of us notices until I sit on his lap.

@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

@MommyCocktail

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

@Shock_Monster

Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock