Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants?

Me: Trying to summon my period.

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Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.


Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.


He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath


Taco Bell is planning on doubling the ‘meat’ in their ingredients. Unlike Cadbury, they’re informing us in advance.


I hate when I walk in on another guy in a bathroom stall and, since we’re both on our phones, neither of us notices until I sit on his lap.


Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?


5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”


Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock