friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake