friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.


Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.


We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever


DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it


me: so how do you guys get around?

dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

me: makes sense

dumbledore: fly a broomstick

me: fun

dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void

me: huh

dumbledore: bus


[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*


Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…


Ok No Loitering sign, let’s get one thing straight: the type of people who loiter are not the type of people who know what loitering means.


Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.