I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
You Might Also Like
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Ok No Loitering sign, let’s get one thing straight: the type of people who loiter are not the type of people who know what loitering means.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.