Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
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STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”