@Ideal_Victoria

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

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@HoarseWisperer

Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”

@FredTaming

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

@Mormonger

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

@turtledumplin

I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.

@TheCatWhisprer

Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.

@Smug_Lemur

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

@fro_vo

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

@ronnui_

Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.

Chairman:

Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?