@Ideal_Victoria
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
@HoarseWisperer
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
@FredTaming
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
@NickSwardson
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
@Mormonger
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
@turtledumplin
I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.
@Junglefushimi
My mom made this meme don’t let her down
@TheCatWhisprer
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
@Smug_Lemur
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
@fro_vo
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
@ronnui_
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?