Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*

You Might Also Like


Twitter basically:

Person: “These socks are itchy.”

Other people:

“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”

“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”

“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”

“First-world foot problems.”

“The real problem is shoes.”


[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos


You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.


Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s


I’d fight for you, I’d lie for you, I’d dig a hole in my backyard for you.


Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.


A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.


“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*


Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.

Burger King: A king.

Wendy’s: A joyous child.

Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.


Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?