Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
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On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing