Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You Might Also Like
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
when someone compliments me
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant