Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Thursday Thought.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Every. Damn. Time.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?