friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Can. I. Help. You.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.