friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
u guys got any snacks onboard here
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
What do you hear?
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*