@Browtweaten

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease

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@webofevil

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

@yoyoha

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

@JustFingKatie

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

@Bratch_Patch

“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”

@michaelianblack

Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.

@Skoogeth

[at a dive bar]

Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.

Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.

@jollyrobber

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

@LionJenkins

Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”

@baeblacksheep

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.