Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“Friends are a dime a dozen.” *pulls out a sack full of dimes* “Sweet, I’ll take 32 dozen friends please.”
Kim Davis becoming a Republican, dealing a huge blow to the “intolerant homophobic religious fundamentalist” wing of the Democratic Party.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.