@truegritrumble

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

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@JediGigi

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

@AbbieEvansXO

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

@LurkAtHomeMom

The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.

@AnniemuMary

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

@JordyHamrick

Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.

@jdforshort

6 made coffee for me this morning, I’m now thinking that she can never move out of the house

@LifeUnPinterest

Make it RAAAAIN!!

ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.