Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
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welp
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…