friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
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[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.