@Browtweaten

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

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@sock_holliday

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

@AlexvanBeek

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

@CalmTomb

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

@AdamBroud

HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor

@gabeserra

Power’s been out for 40 minutes and the kids are asking why I haven’t put new batteries in the house yet…

@seanforhire

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

@LADaddy

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

@donni

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

@RocketRankoon

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

@onion_an

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.