what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
her: tell me about yourself
me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.
WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?