Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
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Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo