@CourtneyBale

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

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@GrantTanaka

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

@PyrBliss

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

@DurtMcHurtt

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..

@iamspacegirl

her: tell me about yourself

me: ok so u know when a dog runs too fast on tile and crashes into a wall but then looks at u like its ur fault

@KentWGraham

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

@Ideal_Victoria

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

@AthenaMystique

I’d only convert to Christianity to learn how to turn water to wine.

WHADYA MEAN THEY DON’T TEACH YOU THAT? WHAT’S THE POINT, THEN?