@RocketRankoon

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

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@alldrolledup

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

@XplodingUnicorn

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

@molly7anne

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.

@a_simpl_man

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

@theSolemnBard

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

@Love_bug1016

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

@GavinProbably

Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.

@rob5373

I choked on a carrot earlier and all I could think of is that a donut wouldn’t have done that to me.

@NomDeBenoit

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”