Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

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4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.


My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.


white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.


The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it


ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes


Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.


Said “large” today at Starbucks, and everyone starting chanting “Venti, Venti, Venti!” and a mass suicide occurred.


I choked on a carrot earlier and all I could think of is that a donut wouldn’t have done that to me.


if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”