Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

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me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec


Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?


Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}


[crime scene]

photographer: I’m done unless you want another angle or something.

detective: let’s do a jumping one!


COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.


Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.


Good neighbors never bother you.

Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.


If the husband is being a jerk I sync my phone to his headphones and play Baby Shark


[Puzzle Group Therapy]

Crossword: Just once, someone use a pen!
Sudoku: Nobody likes math.
Jigsaw: ..Then they glued me together! *sobs*


I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use Real dinosaurs..