@ObscureGent

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

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@existential_d

[guy who’s about to invent the cauldron]

*holding a saucepan* i wish this was spooky

@DivorceDad

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@lazerdoov

If I had to be in the military I’d probably pick sleeper cell agent cause I get tired a lot

@LlamaInaTux

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

@Elizasoul80

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

@drinksmcgee

This year’s theme for my kid’s birthay party was “I punched a clown and everyone learned a valuable lesson about phobias and alcoholism”

@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

@ArfMeasures

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

@KylePlantEmoji

NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while