That confusing moment when the person you hate at work brings donuts
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
*at movie theater*
M: I’ll take a large popcorn with extra butter.
H: Sure. What movie are you seeing?
M: I’m not.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Find a person who wants to do everything w you…
…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED