Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
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Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain