@3sunzzz

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

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@GingerHotDish

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

@ImABaconDonut

Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.

@longwall26

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.

@Quartzjixler

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

@morninggloria

Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually

@DougExeter

she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini

@myles_morrison

Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@KeetPotato

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out