Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
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Me: Thanks for the sex.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.
Me: That’d be nice.
If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually
english words that pitbull knows:
she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini
Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don’t even star my tweets.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out