Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’