FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
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General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]