@ADHDeanASL

friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

@SooInnocentDad

My son and his friends are great … They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home

@litfirebird

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

@Fred_Delicious

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

@UncleDuke1969

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

@texasstalkermom

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@Sickayduh

“That damn Lassie said Timmy fell down a ruffruffruff”

“Relax, honey. I’m sure she means well”