friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost