friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
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have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Mountain Goat : )
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.