Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

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Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too


6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.


“Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine.” – Nicki Minaj


You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.


if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it


Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.


How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*


Every now and then you meet someone you wish you could unhinge your jaw for. *waiting patiently*


If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.


[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]

Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you

Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.