friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
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if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭