@TheHyyyype

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

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@drinksmcgee

I killed a Werewolf and turned it into a Were-skin rug but the problem is that it’s a human-skin rug for like 29-30 days a month.

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”

@Juicedballs

*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*

@mrtimlong

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

@thatcarlygirl

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

@HomeWithPeanut

I’ve become a believer in letting the walls and furniture teach my kids that there is no running in the house.

I call it the School of Hard Knock Yo Selves Out.

@TheBabylonBee

Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts

@Ygrene

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

@yonewt

panicked at the grocery store and came home with a pineapple