FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
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Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Pat is about to own someone
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/