@DepecheALAmode
Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.
@OctopusCaveman
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
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@DepecheALAmode
@caseytduncan
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
@AmericanGent69
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
@Aikiwomannc
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
@ericsshadow
[flying remote control helicopter near my wife]
GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY-
[helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I’m a dead person]
@revengeofAA
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
@QwertyJones3
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
@hell_homer
kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth
@robfee
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
@HomeProbably
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.