@OctopusCaveman

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

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@DepecheALAmode

Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@Aikiwomannc

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

@ericsshadow

[flying remote control helicopter near my wife]

GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY-

[helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I’m a dead person]

@revengeofAA

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

@QwertyJones3

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

@hell_homer

kicked out of church. I yelled “YEAH WE “HAVE A MARIA”, SHE’S MY AUNT, WHY DO YOU KEEP SAYING IT WEIRD”. mustve gotten too close 2 the truth

@robfee

If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.