*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
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‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Oh. My. God.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
i hate you platonically