Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
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*wipes blood off hands with napkin* I said no onions
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
NSA: dude, let it go
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.
havent had sex in so long my clitoris is clitorwas