@aotakeo

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

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@DontTouchMyWine

Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.

@sarcasticmommy4

My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.

Hope he finds a ride home.

@_NinJar

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

@JeffSarcastic

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@JimmerThatisAll

The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.

@carlyken

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

@ShakespeareSong

I am enamoured with large posteriors and I am unable to utter false statements.

@rantybot

havent had sex in so long my clitoris is clitorwas