Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.