Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.