Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
You Might Also Like
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
what’s the point then??
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*pokes sex life with a stick
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.